Authenticity

Goddammit, why does trying to be authentic to myself feel like the equivalent of dragging a boulder made of cow shit up a steep, never ending mountain? Anybody else feel this? Like every time you reach up to briefly take off the mask of people pleasing and take a deep breath of fresh air, someone jumps out from around the corner, punches you straight in the throat, and shoves the mask right back over your head? Just me? 

What does authenticity mean to you?

To help you understand what it means to me, here are a few things that make me feel like I’m being my true, shiny, authentic self:

-Being direct with communication and asking for that in return from the people I care about.

-Standing up for myself even though confrontation makes me want to vomit.

-Loving people real big with my whole mushy heart.

-Shaving my mother fucking head.

-Wearing whatever the fuck makes me feel hot, not what I hope other people will think is hot.

-Being confident in who I am, how I show up for people, and what I do. 

-Openly loving the things I love and never giving a shit if other people think it’s “cringe.”

-Prioritizing self care.

-Not letting the shitty negative voice in the back of my head convince me I suck.

-Listening to every kind of music I love in a play list that makes no sense.

-Loudly talking about my love for fantasy books with descriptive sex scenes.

Sometimes it feels like every time I start to check more and more of the boxes from the list above, the faster some asshole (whether metaphorical or an actual human asshole) comes in to knock me down a few pegs. It’s like every time I feel like I’m finally feeling confident in my career, in my ability to communicate, or in a goal I’ve set out for myself, I end up having something happen that makes me question everything I am and everything I stand for. The worst part is that it’s so easy for me to fall back into the habit of assuming I’m the problem. It’s so much easier to believe that I deserve to be treated poorly and that I’m not worthy of the love and community I so deeply covet, as someone who suffers from anxiety, depression, and a good old fashioned eating disorder. The easy route for me is to lean into “humility”, dull myself down for the sake of others, and make sure my pointy edges don’t affect anyone around me. That shit is so much easier than deciding to stand taller, step into my confidence, trust in myself, and believe I deserve everything I desire. 

I mean fuck, it’s not exactly easy to feel that way in a world that feels like it’s on fucking fire and damn near total collapse, but the more powerful we feel in ourselves, the more positive change we can make in this fucked up world. You have to take care of yourself if you’re going to show up for others. Like the flight attendants say, “You have to place your oxygen mask on yourself first, before you can help those around you.” Meaning- if you pass out from lack of oxygen, you’re useless to help anybody so take care of your damn self first! 

I’m writing this blog to try and break the cycle. To remind myself that not everyone is going to like me, respect me, or assume the best in me. That some people may see confidence and label it arrogance. Though, just a reminder: there’s a huge difference between being humble and being shitty to yourself to make sure you don’t outshine someone or affect someone else’s confidence. There’s also a big difference between being confident in who you are and being an arrogant prick. However, what people decide to label you is not your problem. And it’s also completely out of your control. The only thing we can do, the only thing we can control, is ourselves. 

This is also a reminder to myself that loving people real big is okay, but sometimes you need to learn how to let people earn your trust as opposed to throwing it around willy nilly. I can assume the best in humanity and still protect myself. I can love people and still have boundaries. But when I inevitably make a mistake, let the wrong person in or let myself down, and fail…that’s okay too.

A few steps back don’t make that big of a difference when you have a whole mountain ahead of you. Now grab that boulder of cow shit you’ve been dragging, strap it to your back, and keep on climbing. Love you.