Authenticity

Goddammit. Why does trying to be authentic to myself feel like the equivalent of dragging a boulder made of cow shit that weighs as much as a Mini Cooper up a steep, never ending mountain?

It’s like every time I briefly take off the mask of people pleasing and take a deep breath of fresh air, someone jumps out from around the corner, punches me straight in the throat, and shoves the mask right back over my head?

To help you understand what authenticity means for me, here are a few things that make me feel like I’m being my true, shiny, authentic self:

-Being direct with communication and asking for that in return from the people I care about.

-Standing up for myself even though confrontation makes me want to vomit.

-Loving people real big with my whole mushy heart.

-Wearing whatever the fuck makes me feel hot, not what I hope other people will think is hot.

-Being confident in who I am, how I show up for people, and what I do. 

-Openly loving the things I love and never giving a shit if other people think it’s “cringe.”

-Prioritizing self care.

-Not letting the shitty negative voice in the back of my head convince me I suck.

-Listening to every kind of music I love in a play list that makes no sense.

-Loudly talking about my love for fantasy books with descriptive sex scenes.

Sometimes it feels like every time I start to check more and more of the boxes from the list above, the faster some asshole (whether metaphorical or an actual human asshole) comes in to knock me down a few pegs. It’s like every time I feel like I’m finally feeling confident in my career or in my ability to communicate or whatever the fuck, I end up having something happen that makes me question everything I am and everything I stand for.

The worst part is that it’s so easy for me to fall back into the habit of assuming I’m the problem. It’s so much easier to believe that I deserve to be treated poorly and that I’m not worthy of the love and community I so deeply covet. As someone who suffers from anxiety, depression, and a good old fashioned eating disorder, falling into self-loathing is an easy task. For me, it’s simpler to lean into “humility”, dull myself down for the sake of others, and make sure my pointy edges don’t affect anyone around me. The hardest thing for me to do is deciding to stand taller, step into my confidence, trust in myself, and believe I deserve everything I desire. 

I mean fuck, it’s not exactly easy to feel that way in a world that feels like it’s on fire and damn near total collapse, but the more powerful we feel in ourselves, the more positive change we can make in this fucked up world. You have to take care of yourself if you’re going to show up for others. That’s the reality.

I’m writing this blog to try and break the cycle. To remind myself that not everyone is going to like me, respect me, or assume the best in me. One of my biggest triggers is when someone makes a negative assumption about me or my character. It’s something I’ve been working on in therapy for years now, but goddamn it ain’t easy to quell a trigger that has caused so much pain in my life. The amount of times I’ve had someone turn my good intentioned (or even completely neutral intentioned) action into something that fits the negative narrative they’ve decided is my truth is staggering. From a father who started doing it to me in childhood to friends I considered dear in adulthood. I’ve had my heart broken time and time again when I find out how someone truly feels about me, but I’m learning to cope with not being everyone’s slice of pie. (I hate the term “cup of tea” so I’m trying that out instead.)

The reality is that some people may see confidence and label it arrogance. Some people may see your silly antics as annoying, while others find it endearing and one of their favorite things about you. It’s not up to you how they take it. It’s usually just a projection of their own insecurity anyway.

To be clear: there’s a huge difference between being humble and being shitty to yourself to make sure you don’t outshine someone or affect someone else’s confidence. There’s also a big difference between being confident in who you are and being an arrogant prick. However, what people decide to label you is not your problem. And it’s also completely out of your control. The only thing we can do, the only thing we can control, is ourselves. 

This blog is also a reminder to myself that loving people real big is okay, but sometimes you need to learn how to let people earn your trust as opposed to throwing it around willy nilly. I can assume the best in humanity and still protect myself. I can love people and still have boundaries. But when I inevitably make a mistake, let the wrong person in or let myself down and fail…that’s okay too.

A few steps back don’t make that big of a difference when you have a whole mountain ahead of you. Now grab that boulder of cow shit you’ve been dragging, strap it to your back, and keep on climbing. Love you.