Hello, my loves!
It’s December 29th, so naturally I’m getting all reflective about the past year. Sitting here feeling the warm and fuzzies of amazing things accomplished and wonderful things experienced.
Alongside the not so warm and fuzzy feelings of the past year’s fuck up’s and failures.
BUT, on a better note, I’d like to set a goal for 2023. (Holy shit is anyone else terrified of 2023 or is that just me?)
I want to start writing again.
I’ve had a blog in the past, but it was mostly about my experiences as a competitive age group triathlete, dealing with mental health shenanigans, and my (seemingly never ending) recovery from an eating disorder that has consumed a big ass chunk of my life.
I enjoyed writing about those things. I loved it actually. I loved being vulnerable and open. I loved the shit out of writing.
But after some super fun trauma, gaslighting, and online bullying, I got scared to write anything personal. I got scared to write anything at all, actually. I lost the joy that writing brought me. Joy I found in just trying to connect with other people who had gone through similar shit. I know that I am not a perfect person and I have never claimed to be, but I also know that vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness.
I have been scared (nay, terrified) to be fully myself on social media for a number of years now. But I’m fucking tired of feeling disconnected.
I believe social media can be a beautiful link between human beings all over the world, but…as we all know… it can also be a big ol’ pile of garbage full of total (most likely very insecure) buttholes just looking for a reason to ruin someone’s day. Words can be misconstrued. Intentions can be negated and completely disregarded. The cancel police can arrest you at any moment. People who don’t know you and have never even met you will decide they straight up hate you for some reason or another. They won’t just not like you…they will full on hate your ass and that’s scary as fuck!
I’m a people pleaser with a big, dumb, very soft heart, so one of the main recurring themes in my weekly therapy sessions is the idea of letting go of the fact that some (maybe a lot) of people really don’t like me. It could be my big (and occasionally obnoxious) personality. It could be the way I speak and carry myself. It could be my shop, my art, my voice, my hair, the fact that I rarely smile with my mouth closed, my opinions, the way I handle certain situations, IT COULD BE ANYTHING.
I’ve been in therapy once a week for a little over a year now (with an absolutely incredible therapist who I seriously owe my life) and I’m finally (emphasis on FINALLY) coming to accept that I cannot control how people perceive me.
Some people will love that I can be a little obnoxious, a bit too open about my bodily functions (telling you that I just pooped and/or farted) and make jokes at inappropriate times…some people will hate it. Some people will love my bright beautiful tattoo shop covered in stripes and plants… some people will think it’s some “anti tattoo industry” statement that doesn’t fit in and they hate it. (It kind of is that statement…but I digress.) Some people will love my constant desire to communicate and dive deeper… some people will think that’s very annoying and hate it.
I’m grateful that my therapist has encouraged me to trust that my intentions are good - because intentions absolutely matter - whether they are perceived that way or not. You can’t control how others see you, but you CAN control how you see them. You can put in the work to take a second before jumping to conclusions about someone. You can put in the work to become a more empathetic and compassionate person. You can put in the work to undo the hold that past traumas may have on you.
You can put in the work.
The most amazing people on this planet are the ones who are living authentically without fear and with love in their hearts.
Don’t let people’s perceptions control you. Love yourself and just do your best. (A note to myself.)
I love you.
-cj