Letter to my younger self.

(Full disclosure: I’ve been wanting to write about some of the things I’ve been through over the last few years for a while now, but doing that when there are wars, literal genocide, and many more awful things happening in the world just feels…weird…or dumb…or both.

But then again, my experience is the only one I can discuss…because it’s the only life I’ve lived (as far as I know). I can only speak to what I’ve experienced and according to my therapist, my experiences and feelings are valid… Anywho, I’m just gonna go for it and hopefully I don’t sound like a complete idiot. Fingers crossed! I love you!)

TW: mental health, eating disorder, self hate, people who are mean

Preface: I am fully aware that I am a very priveleged person. I am a flawed human being who has made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes. I am not perfect and I never will be. All I can do is try and learn from my mistakes and do better in the future. Below is a recollection of some more recent situations that have shaped who I am today.

Here goes nothing!

When someone asks, “if you could go back in time and give one piece of advice to your younger self, what would you say?”

Do you think of yourself in middle school or somewhere around that age? Do you think about how you want to tell your precious little bowl-cut-rocking (me), JC Penny shopping (also me), awkward little naive ass (oh definitely me) - how they shouldn’t care what people think about them and blah, blah, blah? I

mean, yeah I do too...but also not.

Don’t get me wrong. Middle school was truly hell on earth, but that’s actually not the younger me I think of first when it comes to giving advice to my past self.

I actually think of myself only a few short years ago. Not 13 year old, hormonal, middle school Cori. But 29 year old tattoo-artist-who-just-made-one-of-her-greatest-dreams-come-true-and-moved-to-Colorado-with-the-love-of-her-life-Cori.

Shortly after moving to Boulder in September of 2019, I had a “friend” who felt the need to “speak their truth” and tell me all the reasons they thought I was :

A) disrespectful

B) unwelcoming to them

C) inappropriate 

D) overall a shitty person

They told me things like, “I’m just trying to help you become a better person,” while tearing my character -who I am to my very core- to shreds right before my eyes. Well, metaphorically in front of my eyes…it was a phone call, but you get the point.

They actually read a list they’d made of moments where I did things they didn’t like, said things they didn’t like, etc. They even mentioned the first time we ever met and said I was cold and unwelcoming. (When in reality I was anxious and intimidated…) Let’s just say, the conversation wasn’t exactly productive. There were no possible solutions given or attempts to understand me or my actions. It was just a chance for this person to tell me all the things they didn’t like about me.

Now, to this person or any of the people who harassed me after this situation, if you are reading this (which there is a good chance you might be)…

With peace and love,

Get fucked. This is not for you. This is for me. 

Back to the story:

As an anxious person who has already struggled with self hate and depression for most of her life, when this person told me all of these things…I believed them. I don’t mean I was like yeah, okay that’s a bummer and moved on with my life. I mean I took every single word to heart and felt it in my very bones. All I could think was, “They’re right. I’m a bad person.” It’s not hard to convince someone with anxiety that they’re the problem. Don’t worry, they’re already assuming they’re the problem before anything has even gone wrong. *waves enthusiastically.

I am a bad. fucking. person. plays on repeat in my mind. Day and night.

I mean, they listed moments in our friendship that I distinctly remember happening. Like…I was there…I did those things. I said those things. I remember them. 

Maybe I was subconsciously being a disrespectful, unwelcoming, inappropriate, overall shitty person and I just didn’t even realize what I was doing…That must be it. I’m bad. I’m a bad person.

Naturally, this tanked my mental health and sent me into a depressive spiral darker than any other time in my life. A depressive spiral that lasted numerous years and kept me in fear of being vulnerable or letting people in. I kept my opinions to myself. I avoided being the center of attention at all costs. I isolated myself from others. I dulled any of the sharp edges of my personality so that they couldn’t poke or anger anyone.

*If I stay below the radar, no one can get mad at me. Dull yourself. Dull, dull, and dull some more.

This experience kept me in fear of feeling joy because I still couldn’t make myself believe that I deserved it. That I deserved to be happy when there were people out there who truly believed the worst in me, without even really knowing me. I built walls around myself that would keep me safe.

Dull, dull, and dull some more.

Needless to say, I’m reeeeeeeeal fucking tired of dulling myself.

Listen, I’m not trying to say I’m some perfect person who did nothing wrong. I’m only human, so of course I made mistakes. I mean I literally just mentioned my bowl cut in middle school earlier. A bowl cut that I ASKED FOR, I might add.

Everyone makes mistakes. That doesn’t mean they should have their character shat all over by someone they care about.

During all of this, however, in the back of my mind, there was this tiny voice fighting to get through all the static and noice of that person’s opinion that was fueled by my own self hate. That tiny voice was screaming at the top of her lungs, “YOU KNOW YOUR HEART, DAMMIT! YOU KNOW YOUR INTENTIONS WERE NEVER BAD! STOP LISTENING TO THEM!!!!” But that voice was drowned out far too easily thanks to the depression and anxiety I deal with on a daily basis.

BUT! Don’t worry, there’s a happy ending. 

Not “woe is me,” but more of a “whoa, I made it through that shit” kind of vibe.

It has taken years of therapy for me to finally be able to take the necessary step back from that situation and see through all the mayhem to realize the truth:

-I can not control how other people perceive me.

-My intentions matter - even if they are only known to me.

-The people who feel the need to tear someone else down are deeply sad and hurting.  

-Those people are projecting their own bullshit onto others.

Now this is where the younger-self-advice bit comes back into play. If I had the chance to give 2020 Cori some advice, this is what I’d like to say:

Hey boo boo, 

I know you’re struggling and everything that person said to you is so raw and breaks your heart into tiny little pieces, but you will make it through this. You will hear this a lot (like over and over again) from your therapist (Thank you, Rebecca for being the GOAT) one day, but eventually it will sink in and you will know it is the truth.

That had NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU and everything to do with them. You DID NOT deserve that. You can not, and I repeat, YOU CAN NOT CONTROL the way others perceive you. What do I mean by that?

I mean that one person may see your sense of humor and constant joking as annoying and obnoxious. But the next person may see that as the most lovable and endearing part of you.

One person may see your confidence and self assuredness as cockiness and conceit. Meanwhile, the person beside them may see it as inspiration to feel better in their own skin.

One person may look at your sensitive nature and see a weakness. While the next person may see it as your greatest strength. 

YOU CAN NOT CONTROL how they perceive you. Say it again. Say it a thousand times.

Your existence and your joy is yours and yours alone. The best thing you can do for yourself is to be uniquely and authentically you. It will do your soul so much good. Some people will think this unique-and-authentic-you totally sucks….and that’s okay.

This will happen to you again in the future, by someone even closer that you loved dearly, but thanks to this moment in 2020, you will be able to handle it so much better and realize what it really is. Projection. You aren’t perfect and you never will be, but you’re doing your best to learn and grow. That’s what matters.

Stay true to yourself. 

NEVER give someone else the power to take your self worth down to nothing EVER AGAIN. 

Don’t be afraid to love people. Even if they hurt you one day, love them anyway.

I love you. You’re very cute and you have a great butt. Chin up, cutie. 

Sincerely,

Cori in 2023